“Wind Is Made By Trees”: 82 People Reveal When They Realized Their Partner Was Kinda Dumb
We were putting away the groceries when I see her take a new jar of salsa, open it, and put it in the fridge. I asked her why she did that and she said:
“It says right on the jar to refrigerate after opening.”
I swear, she’s smart as a whip most of the time.
Never took a shower, always a bath. I’d ask why and “she just hates showers” Finally our grown children pressured her into an answer.
“I just hate that first cold blast of water when it starts”
Kids and I look at each other for a while, I finally say “I hate it too, that’s why I am usually OUTSIDE the shower when it happens”
Long awkward silence. She has been showering ever since..
When the ex wife accused me of making up the word hypocritical after telling her that her actions were just that. “You think because you’re smart you can make up words to call me and I won’t notice?” One of those moments where you open your eyes really wide and take a moment to process what you’re hearing.
She was at the store and I remembered I needed some whole chickens for the weekend, so I call her up and ask her to grab a few. Over the phone she says “the big kind or the little kind?” “I dunno, the largest you can find, it doesn’t really matter”. She shows up at the house with two 25 pound turkeys. Her entire life she believed turkeys were just larger chickens.
My wife is an English major. I gave her my favorite book *Eyewitness to History* to read. It is a compilation of stories that are people who have seen historic events first hand. It starts with the death of Socrates and goes to the 20th century. She told me she was skeptical because so many stories were written by the same person. His name? Anon.
I’ve posted this before, but it’s my favorite story.
In the middle of a conversation that was referencing Washington DC, he angrily stated that what I was saying was impossible, because people don’t live in Washington DC.
I stopped, wait what?
“No one lives in Washington DC, they aren’t allowed.”
Are you serious?
“Yeah, only the President and the secret service live there, in the White House.”
He was 26.
Very early into our relationship she said something to the effect of, “I miss living in the mountains. When I lived in North Carolina, we had this beautiful mountain range… I think they called it the Rocky Mountains? Anyway… I wish we could go back sometime.”
We live in the Appalachian Mountains… Just a little north of where she grew up… It’s quite literally the same mountain range she saw as a kid…
He forgets the names of things, and so will often make up a new name in the middle of a sentence without breaking stride. My personal favorite was when he forgot what a sandwich was called, so he asked me to make him a “meat bread”. Throughout the years I’ve become fluent in husband, but at first it would take me awhile to figure out what he was talking about.
He also does this thing where if he forgets someone’s name, he renames them Terry in his mind. He called our neighbor Terry for over a year, to the man’s face, until one day neighbor’s wife finally corrected him and told him that neighbor’s name was Neil.
My husband is an absolute idiot, but he’s my idiot and I love the hell out of him!
When he saw the moon during the day, “It’s not the moon. It’s a reflection of the moon.”
My VERY intelligent husband said this 7 years ago. I do believe he somehow misunderstood the sun’s light reflecting off the moon and never questioned it. He understands space very well now. Yes, everything we see is because light is reflecting off it, but that’s not what he meant at the time. I finally told him about this post when it ended up on college humor. He doesn’t think it’s as funny as I do 😬
There was a trick going around that said something like, “there are two brothers. One is eight. One is half his age. When the oldest brother turns 50, how old is the younger brother?”
I had to explain to my husband a couple of times that the younger brother is not 25, but 46.
When he insisted that kiwis (animals) were the same as kiwis (fruits). He found this photo and just wouldn’t believe that it wasn’t real. Just wow.
I ((un)fortunately) can say that this story is 100% true, and that as far as I could tell, he was NOT faking it. It’s been a few years but I remember clearly the fervor with which he INSISTED that these kiwis were one and the same. There were many other things he did throughout the course of our relationship that made me realize he was an idiot, but needless to say, this took the cake. I think this was the point of no return, and we broke up a few months later. So, sadly, I can’t troll him about Kiwis and kiwi polish — I wish I’d had the presence of mind to do that then!
I bought him a new watch and it was water resistant.
I told him I wanted to see him wearing it at the pool when we go do laps. He did two laps, got out, took off his watch and came back to the pool.
I asked him why he took it off. I thought maybe it was uncomfortable.
He told me it was water resistant “up to 100 meters” so he took it off after two 50 meter laps.
My crazy ex girlfriend told me a story once about her very special car. See, she thought buying gas was for other people and that her car didn’t need it. Evidently she didn’t realize this wasn’t the case till one day, she had run out of gas on the side of the road. Her ex boyfriend had been filling and keeping her tank full, so she just assumed her car ran off the battery.
This was nearly 15 years ago, where the notion of an electric car was futurology.
Oh god. My SO has his PHD and is, on paper, super smart. However, when we had a rare sunny day (I’m in Scotland) he got one of those disposable BBQs that are basically just a tray with the charcoal in it. He set it up on a wooden chair because apparently “it won’t burn this”. Cue one very charcoal chair.
Bonus story: he decided he didn’t need to shut the electricity off to change a socket. Looked at me like I was an idiot for suggesting this and then proceeded to get an electric shock almost immediately.
Edit: sooo many people assume his PhD is in the arts. It’s not – he has a masters in Engineering and a PhD in Neuroscience.
“Women five months pregnant can totally go skiing!”
“We can totally leave a 2 week old newborn with your parents and go on a week long trip, just the two of us!”
We don’t have children, but boy oh boy is he in for a rude awakening if I ever get pregnant.
Edit: I have to clarify, I HAVE NEVER WENT SKIING IN MY LIFE.
My (now ex) and I had a phone conversation that ended up with us arguing over whether lead (as in the element) was heavy. I was impressed with something she did and told her “You are smooth like lead is heavy, baby!” and she got mad at me and thought I was making fun of her.
To make it worse, she is a nurse in a burn unit.. she’s helped with x-rays. She’s worn a lead lined vest.
Her logic “Pencils aren’t heavy and they have lead in them!”.
At night. She sleep-talks. Throughout the day she is very articulate and intelligent, but at night, if I listen to her babbling in her sleep, she says the stupidest things. “No, not THAT penguin”, “I have to put my feet in the orange juice”, “Are you a hobbit?”, and so on. I think her brain has to purge all the dumb stuff it builds up during the day.
When they had little cubes of cheese in their pocket rather than getting a plate.
My wife spent two hours installing a wireless printer because she didn’t plug it in. “But it’s **wireless**!”
She also cashed a check and when they asked if she wanted big or small bills she said regular size.
Both stories are absolutely true, and I’m so goddamned happy I married a living dad joke. (She’s definitely no idiot though).
Someone I dated in high school feared that the legalization of gay marriage would cause too many people in the world to turn gay and then there would be “no more babies.”
He was quite serious, and when I tried to make more sense of it he insisted we change the subject. I continued to date him for several months after that. 15 year olds should not be allowed to be in relationships…
I’ll speak for my wife.
Up until about 2 years ago (I’m 30) I honestly believed goats were the male version of sheep.
I still don’t live that down.
When she insisted that Kim Jong Un was the leader of North Carolina.
When she asked if it was still called an eclipse when the sun passes between earth and the moon.
He thought women peed from their vaginas. He’s my lovable idiot though.
Edit: Yes, women do not pee from their vaginas. We have a separate urethra located near our v****a.
We were on a road trip and he pointed out “a furry armadillo.” He was pointing to an opossum.
The man has a nuclear engineering degree and MBA.
I told a joke and my girlfriend did the playful hit thing. When I asked why she hit me she replied with she was upset I was making fun of her. I was not. She just didn’t get the joke. I then inquired as to how often I said things and she didn’t get, but laughed because everyone else did. She said “About 50% of the time.”.
I was using his laptop and he Google image searched acorns except he spelled it, “egg corn”
AND. Earlier this week he texted that he wanted to make gnocchi for dinner. He spelled it, “no key”.
I love him but holy f**k, he is not a clever man.
We sat on the porch of her rented house during university, smoking. It was nighttime, the stars were out. I saw Venus, asked her why she thought that star was *extra* bright (hoping to drop my planetary knowledge.)
She said maybe it’s closer to us than the moon.
I said “What does that mean?”
“Like it’s between us and the moon.”
She then explained that she thought the stars float around and change their positions, and that they were small.
I ran into her house, told all her housemates, and we informed her about stars.
She’s a PhD scientist.
Edit: Biology. Cigarettes.
As for it being rude of me to run in and tell her roommates, it was. But she didn’t beleive me, thought I was messing with her. Told her the sun is a star and she laughed and was like ‘now I KNOW you’re kidding..” Went inside to confirm this with her roommates (also good friends of mine) and we all had a good laugh.
I’m no genius, can’t point out countries on a map. We all have our faults, I just thought this one was particularly funny especially given that she is a brilliant scientist now (this was in 2nd year).
My husband has movie amnesia. He has no idea what he has or hasn’t seen, and oh lord just forget asking him the title of anything, he’s clueless. Most recently he recognized an actress from “Saving Sarah Silverman” and was so proud. Until I told him the movie is called Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Edit: I know there’s a movie called Saving Silverman, an actress named Sara Silverman, a movie called Saving Private Ryan, etc but my husband does not claim to know any of them, yet somehow mushed them together in his mind to create his own film.
Edit 2: he’s actually incredibly intelligent, which makes this one flaw so funny to me. He also cannot recall names of actors or recognize them from other films, nor can he explain a plot line to save his life. If he was being held at gunpoint and you told him to describe a movie he’d JUST watched, he’d prob be shot.
Was watching NASCAR with my wife and stepfather, she sat there mesmerized and said “imagine if we had this but with people..” and followed that quietly with “oh my f*****g god, track….”.
He’s not an idiot and I love him to death but he thought Chicago and basically every major city, was a state.
If you see this I love you.
I’m half Arab.
She asked me where this country “Arab” is located… I told her there is no such country so she asked me if I’m coming from the country “Muslim” (I’m not even Muslim).
Since my father is Muslim she asked me ” Why your father hate us?”, because she was thinking that Muslim and ISIS was the same thing.
An ex thought that Guatemala and guacamole are the same thing.
Europe is a country.
I told a girl that I’m circumcised she asked me “How do you have s*x then?”
This might seem confusing, but one time my SO was telling me about a theory that everyone sees colors differently, but we just don’t know it. She then claimed she had PROOF of it being true. She goes “You see that sign there? It looks kind of purple to me.” (I don’t remember the exact colors of the sign but you get the idea)
I said “but it’s red.” And she goes,
“See? How else would I be seeing that?”
“Because you must be colorblind.”
Spent the next 20 minutes arguing about how she might be colorblind and she couldn’t grasp the concept. Got tested later on and found out she was.
Edit: My SO is not stupid btw, she’s very book-smart and loves to read and write. That conversation was just a real face-palm moment that I still laugh about now.
We had just started dating and she was going to pick me up near a bus station in a parking lot. I see her driving up so I hop in. Then I notice she’s looking side to side, kind of confused. So I ask what’s the matter?
And I s**t you not, she says “I know I left my car here somewhere…”, she says this with both hands on the steering wheel, operating a moving vehicle. God bless her.
She was one of those people who really excels academically, but has 0 common sense or basic awareness. I suspect she’s a professor of some highly technical field now.
Full disclosure, he’s actually an incredibly brilliant man and i love him to death, but…
after we got married, i caught him picking his nose and eating his boogers. when i called him on it incredulously, he said, “but it’s good for my imoon system.” completely wrecking the pronounciation of immune. i just looked at him, kissed his forehead and sighed because when you love someone you love them regardless of their moronic moment.
of course, it doesn’t stop me from making fun of him.
Prefacing by saying my husband is really a very, very intelligent guy. Who has his moments.
We woke up one day and had a flat tire. I sigh, but no big deal. Let’s put in the spare, and take it to the shop.
He is adamant that his car does not have a spare. In fact, he would know if it had a spare, but it’s a new car, and it doesn’t.
I’m incredulous, and say I’m going to double check, just to make sure. He is standing by me with a smug face, ready for his “I told you so” moment.
Of course I lift the lid in the trunk, and what do we find, but a perfectly good spare tire?
Another time, I texted him that I was grounding the wires in our house, he called panicking because that sounded dangerous. I then got to explain what a ground wire does, and how electricity works, and that’s perfectly safe to do it if you know what you are doing.
And then there was the time he tried to convince me that the sky is blue because it reflects the ocean. Somehow.
Edit: forgot the told in I told you so. Guess I’m a dummy too 🙂
Edit2: one more. He was helping me cook, and I poured a cup of sugar in a pan, and told him to start stirring when the sugar melted. He laughs and says that the recipe must be wrong, because sugar does not melt. Imagine the collective surprise when the sugar did, indeed, melt and became delicious lava caramel.
Edit3: so, apparently a lot of newer cars actually don’t have spare tires, so I was risking looking really stupid too. And a lot of people were taught in school that the sky is blue because it reflects the ocean.
I asked him if he thinks maybe I’m the dumber one in the relationship and he said “you did lock yourself outside of the house in the rain last week”, so he has a point.
When we were married over a year and he commented on my lovely green eyes…
…theyre blue.
Not someone I was dating, a friend of mine’s girlfriend. They were both sitting at the bar, and she turned to him and asked “Are the olympics, like, a competition?”
Once he told that story to his whole group of friends, we were all having a laugh, and I used my best teacher/understanding voice to ask her earnestly, what she thought the olympics were. She said “I dunno, I thought it was just like, Look what these people can do.”
She was hotter than hell.
My starter husband thought the Grand Canyon was 500 feet deep and that it was only called “grand” due to the length. He also pooped in the bathtub and tried to convince me that my iguana did it.
My partner and I were walking around a zoo kinda lost. She pulled out the little map/brochure they gave us when we came in and said, How come it doesn’t say you are here on it?? Thats because its a piece of paper and we could be anywhere was my response haha.
At the tender age of 33 he didn’t understand stoplights. He thought when the blinking hand and the count down starts is when you go. I asked him, “do what are you supposed to do when the little man pops up?” he said, “you wait?” I thought he was joking.
The moment I had to explain to him how a stoplight works when you are a pedestrian answered a lot of other things I dealt with. He was not that bright. I once teased him about something, and he was offended. I apologized and told him that I would never call him stupid. I felt pretty bad, and I was ready to accept that about him. There were a lot of explaining, and teaching him certain things in that relationship.
She had a Master’s Degree in Special Education and legitimately thought the word “Knowledgement” was real. For example, in arguments she would yell “For your knowledgement…”.
While travelling in the car during Remembrance Day, my ex once asked me to turn the radio up so she could hear the minute’s silence better.
When I woke up to messages of her crying about birds. They weren’t sad. She just really likes birds.
I am late… but once my girlfriend went to refuel. She said the gas pump “was one of those old pumps from the ’60s” and wouldn’t fit into the tank hole. So she took a pen to force the tank open and proceeded to carefully pump gas from the tip of the pump into the tank.
Obviously after doing that the car couldn’t start and was f****d up, as she had been putting a full load of diesel into a gasoline vehicle.
When she tried to convince me of her strongly held belief that the Blair Witch Project was real.
She wouldn’t budge even after I showed her the actors names in the credits and *the actors taking part in an interview to promote the f*****g movie.*
* Edit: This was a high school girlfriend. My wife isn’t an idiot as far as I can tell, but she did marry me, sooo…..
My ex wanted to use a Ziploc baggy as a c****m. Noped out of that one.
When he changed the light bulb over our kitchen sink 4 times and kept throwing away the bulbs thinking they were all bad. I finally walked over and flipped the correct light switch for that light- the one next to the garbage disposal on the opposite wall from all the other switches.
We had been living in this house for over ten years at that point. He had used that light countless times. I love the guy but he definitely has his moments (I’m sure I do too).
Edit: I feel kind of bad that my top rated comment is about my husband being an idiot! At least he has a good sense of humor about himself.
Oh, boy.
My ex-boyfriend somehow dwindled down his boxer brief count to two, and instead of buying more like a human adult with basic common sense, or at least, you know, WASHING his two remaining pairs of preferred underwear, he would slip on a pair of the many loose fitting boxers he owned, and then awkwardly shuffle one of the boxer briefs over said pair, creating a bunched up, sweaty cacophony of sin.
When I asked him what in God’s name he was doing that for, he would reply, “I like the way everything is squeezed in.”
He continued this cycle for two months.
He rarely washed his underwear, due to the fact that he didn’t understand how to operate a washing machine. (Another can of worms.) I broke up with him before he ever got around to buying more boxer briefs, so who knows? Maybe he’s still making idiot boxer sandwiches to this day.
I know the answers my boyfriend would give:
* Once we went to Home Depot to pick up a lawn mower. Knowing we’d also need gas, I pointed out the gas containers … but was perplexed to find them empty. “Where’s the gas?” My boyfriend just stared at me. “What? Is it on a different aisle?” That was the day I learned Home Depot does not sell gasoline.
* One day I had an epiphany about “local anesthetic”; it is not in fact called “local anesthetic” because it’s produced locally, but because it only affects a specific portion of the body – a “local” effect
* When I moved into my new house I spent about 3 minutes trying to screw the water hose into the wall faucet from the wrong end, and when I asked for help he just started taking pictures of me with his phone :(.
When she asked how “gärningsmannen” had not been caught. Gärningsmannen is “the man who did the deed” directly translated but means suspect. She thought it was one guy who had been doing all crime for 20 years.
When he came up to me and said, “I think you’re purty! Do you date White guys?” In front of at least thirty people. I could’ve died from the shame, being the introvert that I am.
My wife’s ex boyfriend thought that Maine Coons were wild cats living in Maine.
Little bit of a plot twist, I am the idiot in this situation. My husband and I were having a conversation about anatomy and I was so confused about how your lungs stay in place. He just looked at me and said “What are you talking about? Your rib cage. Your bones keep your lungs in place.”
I had forgotten that humans had bones.
She told me to take the wooden spoon out of the pot of pasta because it would melt it.
She has had a few moments like these.
My ex husband (a*****e ex husband) would frequently attempt to gaslight in a disagreement and no matter how mentally and physically a*****e he was, would attempt to make himself a victim of (my behaviors; they were his, but often described his plight as SUFFRAGE.
Example: ” It’s your fault I have this problem, my suffrage is insurmountable” (attempts at using big words to sound smarter”…..
My response “Your right to vote is insurmountable?”
Issue only escalated and became physical, but he insisted on using the word suffrage in place of suffering.
He’s a felon now, no right to vote.
We went to see a production of *Jesus Christ Superstar* at our local theater. I love musicals, but he had never heard of it. I did mention to him that it was pretty controversial when it was first produced, but mostly I told him about how fantastic the music was, etc.
After the show, he told me that he understood the controversy; that the “incest stuff” was extremely out-of-place and weird. *Record scratch*.
Oh, honey. No. Mary Magdalene is not the same as the Virgin Mary. I still love him though!
Edit to clarify: He is Lutheran, so he definitely should know this!
I love my wife, and am so glad I get to tell this story.
We were talking about eating better, and the food pyramid, and how thats what they use to teach us in school. We arrive at things we like to eat, and where it falls in the food groups, and the conversation goes like this:
Her: “I love eggs, I’m glad that the veggies section was always so big”
Me: “Wait… what? Veggies? What?”
Her: “Actually… what are eggs anyway? They’re… vegetables right? Yeah they are vegetables.”
This woman has a Masters Degree.
Not mine but my friends so called me, she got lost getting to the mailbox from her apartment. She also would get lost going from their apartment to mine……..which was down the hall. She was special.
I love her to death but:
“If you set a cow on fire does it smell like steaks”
Still gets me to this day.
I asked him for a decaf coffee.. he poured coffee over a decaf tea bag.
Watching game of thrones and peter dinklage comes on… “he’s always the midget in every movie”.
My friend got married to a Korean girl in the United States. At their wedding my wife asked if she was from north or South Korea. I burst out laughing in the middle of the ceremony. My wife isn’t up on
Current Events. I love her so much.
When she tried to make pasta by dumping a box of uncooked spaghetti into an empty pot with the burner on high. I broke up her not soon after. Obviously not because of that.
I wouldn’t say dumb, because she is very intelligent (currently pursuing her doctorate), but we just had a twenty minute conversation about multi-level marketing. No matter how much logic I threw her way, she just won’t believe they are bad. It’s actually a weird thing in her family. Every single one of them believes in network marketing. Her mom did AmWay, her brother did one that started with a V. They’re a successful and intelligent family that just has a wierd love of mlm.
I dated a guy for a few months in high school who was… incredibly attractive. We’ll say his name was Dave. Dave played for the football team, and I was a super nerd, so the fact that he wanted to go out with me blinded me to his faults. One of my friends told me constantly what an idiot Dave was, and I refused to see it. One day, my friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria, and he started to laugh at something stupid Dave had done. I got mad, but we dropped the subject, because here came Dave. Instead of hanging out, my friend left. He came back several minutes later with a textbook, opened a random page, and pointed to a shape. “Dave, what shape is that?” Dave stuttered around the word triangle for a minute, then flew into a rage (like, got actually violent) because he thought my friend was trying to trick him or something.
Long story short, I wound up breaking things off with him a few days later partially because of how scary he got when he was angry, but mostly because of that f*****g circle.
