“They Can’t Argue About It Without Looking Like Jerks!”: 85 …
I purposely started my son on helping me unload the dishwasher and sometimes (when I can handle it) washing the dishes. We probably started when he was around one. He’s 2.5 now and regularly helps out. He knows where all the pots and pans and cutting boards go and puts them away all by himself. Both of us parents can do the night time routine as well so daddy is fully a nurturing parent. Also I got my son baby dolls and we pretend to take care of them.
I refer to all the teachers at my daughters’ school as “Ms.” and have convinced my husband to do the same. I explained that there is only “Mr” and why should a woman be differentiated based on marital status? He’s 100% all in and it’s amazing.
Whenever anyone says they need to check with their doctor, attorney, CPA, etc. I always respond with, “Great! Let me know what she says!”
When both parents are present, I look at dad first when asking factual questions about their child. Date of birth, any allergies, etc. 95% of the time mom has to answer anyway, but I want dad to feel a tiny bit of shame that he doesn’t know. Maybe shame is a bit harsh, but I at least don’t want to perpetuate the idea that mom is responsible for everything and dad shouldn’t even know the basics.
One of my favorites that I’ve read before is daycare workers making a point to call dad first. As a working mom I appreciate that so much. I always make it a point to provide my husbands name and number first, yet somehow I am always called first 100% of the time.
Calling the dad first instead of mum when kid is sick at school, addressing cards/letters to the female partner first.
When talking about what people do for a living you can for example say “he’s a male doctor” instead of “he’s a doctor”. It bothers them so much for no reason.
You can complement a man saying, “You are a pretty good lawyer, for a man.“ “You are an l excellent architect for a man.”
See how they like it.
Growing up in the 80s, people would often call the house to speak to my Dad using the colloquial phrase “Is the boss man in” My mother without fail always replied “Yes, you are speaking to her”.
Whenever a man acts disgusted by conversation of menstruation, to say “You wouldn’t be here if your mom didn’t have a period.”
I teach ESL to adults. When using photos for vocabulary, I almost always use pictures of women in professional jobs and tech jobs, and men doing domestic work and child care.
I don’t apologize for something that isn’t worth apologizing for like emailing someone a few times or asking for clarification.
I’m a lawyer and mostly work with male clients but I use the phrase “just between us girls” all the time. If women have normalized being called “guys” I don’t see what the difference is.
I also will address a group of men (man I work with a lot of men…) especially if they are younger than me and being annoying as “boys”. Again the number of times I’ve heard grown women referred to as “girls” is horrifying so just putting the shoe on the other foot when stakes are low.
I don’t move aside for men when I’m walking from the parking garage to my office. I’m not mean or stern about it, I simply stay on the path I was on.
sharon.a.life:
I’ve been working on not moving out of the way when walking down an aisle or sidewalk. It’s shocking how many men don’t move.
When they’re being aggressive, asking them why they’re being so emotional.
sarahkatharineny:
Calling them neurotic or hysterical also works well.
followthelemur:
Someone came up with “testerical”…
Before starting a slightly challenging task: “well… if men can do it.”
I refer to every judge, CEO, lawyer, doctor, detective, and more as “she” by default until and unless I’m corrected.
This one feels super small, but I work at a company that is like 80% male and our paternity leave is only about 4 weeks. I had my son at a different company where both parents got 6 months of fully paid leave (a freaking miracle). So now, every time someone has a kid I make sure to ask my leadership why our paternity leave is so short because the dads need to be able to bond with their kids too. I explain how great mine and my husband’s were too and how that meant we both stayed at mediocre companies for a few years longer than we would have otherwise. Trying to get these men more time at home with their kids…
I work in mortgage lending… whenever a hetero couple wants to put in an application manually (they give me the info and I fill it in)… unless they specifically request it one way, or the man is the only with an income, I always put the woman as the primary borrower. Which means she will be listed first and sometimes only on all the important financial documentation and on the county documentation like the home’s title.
I ALWAYS pay whenever my husband and I go out to eat, or to the movies or wherever, even though our finances are completely shared, hahaha.
Oh, also, in our house, my husband is the one that makes most meals, and our two daughters (3 and 4) are convinced that daddies are the ones that cook.
When I created all the fake employee data for our product demos, I made all of the managers women and all the women make more money than the men.
At work I’ve noticed that by default it’s always the women who are expected to act as secretaries when there is a meeting among peers, so when I’m leading a meeting I will always ask a male colleague to take the notes! And when I’m on an email chain discussing setting up a meeting, I always designate a male colleague to check everyone’s calendars and set up the meeting. It’s such a little thing, but it’s little enough to fly under the radar. And bonus, if the men do notice they can’t argue about it without looking like jerks!
I work with both male and female doctors. Any day I’m working with a male surgeon, I use the pronouns “he or she” when talking about them. When I’m working with a female doctor, I just use “she.” The majority of my patients are boomers who tell me they haven’t seen a doctor all day because they had a female doctor round on them in the morning.
Whenever I see animals behaving well/being cute, I refer to them as female “what a cute little lady” and whenever I see an animal behaving badly/being ugly, I refer to them as male “what an ugly little guy”
Since the queen died I exclusively call her successor the male queen. It gets a giggle out of my feminist friends.
I had some major health issues a couple years ago, and when in hospitals I’d call every male doctor by his first name, but ask every woman who entered the room “are you the doctor?” Just to shake things up.
Had only ever taken my kiddo to women’s professional hockey games. When I took her to an AHL game a couple of years later, she asked where are the girls? I told her this was a boys team. Her response, “But boys can’t play hockey, only girls.”
Whenever a male coworker tells me his wife is pregnant I excitedly ask if he’s coming back to work after the baby is born. And then sit in the silence while they work through what just happened.
Claiming all of my legroom on an airplane. If you’re man-spreading into my space, prepare to awkwardly touch my calf the entire flight. Then I double down by taking both armrests if I’m in the middle.
When they’re talking about how great men are at being providers and protectors I like to point out that it’s “not all men.”
I had a relative by marriage who would always stare at breasts in conversation. Rather that go the “my eyes are up here” route, I would engage him in conversation, staring at his crotch the whole time. He stopped talking to me—I considered it a win!
I address envelopes—Xmas cards, invitations, etc —with the woman’s name first.
“To Mrs. and Mr. Smith”
“To Mary and Bob Smith”
I didn’t think anyone would really notice….but they did!
My friend’s teenage daughter likes to freak out her stepdad by announcing her period ‘I am shedding my uterine wall…’
I like doing chivalrous acts for men. Opening doors, asking if they need help with grocery bags, etc. Tbh they always thank me, it’s like a really kind role reversal.
I have a work one and a mom one. My work one is that whenever I’m emailing a man and a woman, I always say the woman’s name first in the salutation.
My personal one, to support future working parents, is that my young son and I do a sweep of the apartment to tidy before bedtime, and I don’t tell him what to pick up. I just say, “Hmm, does it look clean in here? Does anything else need to be put away?” and he notices what’s out of place, then puts it away. This is all part of my dastardly plot to spare his future spouse the classic, “But you didn’t TELL ME doing the dishes meant pots and pans too!”
Ooooo I like this. At work (I’m a server) I always place a woman’s food down first (after kids if there are kids at the table). If there are little ones at the table and I have a hot plate for little one instead of placing the food in front of mom to handle I place it in front of dad. And if they are splitting food I place the empty plate in front of the man and the plate with food in front of the woman.
At work, whenever I have the chance, I point out that there is also a baby changing table in the men’s bathroom. Especially if there’s a line for the women’s since the changing table there is in the ADA stall.
I’m also a manager and I make sure to go over everything I can with my pregnant employees so they understand their rights during pregnancy, during leave (in a state with its own policies), and when the return to work (especially if they want to pump). I do what I can to help all employees maximize their parental leave when they want to – the men also so that they are available to support their partner.
I’m a teacher. I always tell all of my students (but especially the girls), “don’t say sorry. Say thank you.” No “sorry for bothering you.” It’s “thanks for helping me.” No, “sorry it took so long.” It’s “thank you for your patience.”
I have a 3 y/o son and a newborn daughter. Every outfit someone buys her that is uncomfortable or unnecessarily restrictive just to be “cute” goes straight in the trash or donation pile. No scratchy, uncomfortable girl clothes in this house! Play-ready outfits only.
Addressing women by their title. I used to work with a lot of doctors – PhDs and MDs – and would default to “Dr. Andrews” (a woman) and “Phillip.” A lot of people would do the opposite, which led to men who weren’t doctors in either sense getting called “Doctor” and a woman who had multiple PhDs AND an MD being called “Kate.”
Including women on the to line and men on the cc line.
At home, I’m raising three girls; my entire personal life is feminism writ large. They have T-shirts that feature Sonia Sotomayor (I’m Puerto Rican, okay?) and say, “forget princess, call me your honor.” Their Fourth of July shirts have the Statue of Liberty, Rosie the Riveter, RBG, and a suffragette and say “girls will be girls.” I’m planning a photo shoot at a local suffragette memorial with them wearing Jane Austen themed shirts that say “Society of Obstinate, Headstrong Girls.”
One day, they won’t need permission to be loud and have big dreams, but today? I’ll teach them they always have MY permission to be authentically themselves, whoever that may be.
My toddler is in her “mine!” phase, and we tell people she is practicing her assertiveness.
I’m a teacher, and I always make sure to call the dads, include them in meetings, and refer to them during meetings if they’re not present.
At work I use traditionally masculine names rather than traditionally feminine names if using a turn of phrase. So “Negative Nancy” becomes “Negative Nathan” and “Pollyanna” becomes “Pollyaaron.”
Also when spelling something for someone in customer service over the phone (at work or at home) I use fun or female names. So A as in Adam, B as in Boy and C as in Cat becomes A as in Anna, B as in Bethany / Beautiful and C as in … well still cat lol.
At home I am raising my young daughter to not “owe anyone her affection / touch.” And I don’t let people guilt her into it. “Awww no hug goodbye? That makes me sad…” Nope sorry, be sad then. She doesn’t want to so she doesn’t. She’s not rude, but I’m teaching her to be firm and clear.
I am on [mat] leave right now and I will only refer to it as “parental leave”. I also helped redesign my company’s leave policy and changed the language to “birthing” and “nonbirthing parent” because I think the language shift puts more of a focus on how supporting both types of parents with leave supports the full family. I think that de-gendering both of these makes it so having, bonding, caring, raising a newborn is less of a “lady thing”. Love all the parenting ideas!
1- If sending kid birthday invitations via email, I will send to both parents rather than moms only (though tbh it’s usually mom responding. 2- I signed my husband up to be in the chaperone lottery for field trips. 3- I consult with schools and at meetings school teams will direct almost all questions at moms – they assume mom is default parent. I love to make sure questions and feedback are directed at dads as well – my small effort to get dad’s more involved at school and with their knowledge of their kids.
My husband cooks 6xs a week. It’s usually something elaborate. I cook once a week and it’s always pasta, jar sauce, and sautéed kale. He also plans dinners and grocery shops. Completely owns the cooking portion of our lives.
gosh_golly_gee:
My husband is the laundry spouse! He works from home and I don’t, and he also is very particular about how the laundry is done, so he owns the whole deal. It’s amazing to not have that take up space in my head.
My Siri is a male voice who does my bidding, and our robot vacuum is “he.”
When our school district has a snow day, a lot of the dads show up to the office and the moms don’t. So I like to ask the dads, “Who’s taking care of the kids?”.
They always seem confused to hear that question, even though women hear it all the time.
At work I’ve stopped asking and started telling the employees (all men but 3) to do what they need to do when I have to email them for something. Instead of “Can you turn this paperwork in please?” It’s “Turn your paperwork in, thank you”.
At home my husband is a great partner and dad. We make sure our son sees us working together, being kind and affectionate to each other and we specifically talk with him about how we behave in our marriage and why. All boy moms should do this, we need to help our sons be likable and lovable and independent if we want them to be happy. All girl moms should too, but I think for boys the expectations are changing very quickly and they need to be prepared.
I also don’t help either of them find things when it’s something that shouldn’t be a mystery, like bread for example.
I’m not petty about any of it, I am polite and matter of fact at work and with things at home, and I think that’s important. Respect and equality should be the norm, and I’m going to act like it is.
My son is 2.5 and loooves to do the dishes, he has his own vacuum, his own toddler swiffer wet jet-esque, he helps switch the laundry over and can clear his place at the table / put his dishes in the sink etc. He LOVES helping out and being part of the family dynamic, and he gets such a sense of pride from it. I got him a mini cleaning kit as well and he will wash the windows lol. We are big on teamwork in our house!
I’m an elementary teacher so my kids already see a lot of women, but I always make sure to read books about women who have jobs and are good at them.
I love this. My biggest thing is that my boys are responsible for a dinner a week starting in middle school and have always done there laundry.
My two sons each have one night a week where they help me make dinner.
Tonight my almost 4 year old helped me make meatballs and dumped spaghetti in a pot. Obviously I’m not having him put things into or take things out of a hot oven, or touch the stove, but he’s mixing ground beef and I had him salt the water before I boiled it, etc. So like it’s easy for their ages, but it’s a start.
My sons *will* know how to cook.
Professionally, I staff women to my projects if they’re on equal level with a man for the same role.
Personally, we’ve taught my daughter that if someone touches her without her consent (like another kid grabbing her arm; inappropriate touching has been a whole other conversation), she can tell them to stop, yell at them to stop, then physically stop them in whatever way necessary. At age 4 a boy at the playground wouldn’t stop grabbing her arm so she did the full escalation, ending with pushing his hand off which shoved him down a small hill at the playground. His mom was pissed, I laughed in her face.
My sister goes one step further whenever someone talks to her about football and pretends to have no idea what they’re talking about and then goes “Oh, WAIT! You’re talking about MEN’S football. Sorry, I don’t watch the male lionesses.”
I correct anyone who refers to a woman over 18 a “girl”. Nobody ever calls a man in their 20s a “boy”. Even news headlines still get this wrong. I will die on this hill!!! Also, there’s no such thing as “nonconsensual sex”. Either sex or r-pe.
Every time my dad says ‘she’s a nice girl’ or whatever, and the person is clearly not a child I say ‘woman’ and smile at him until he repeats the sentence properly.
My almost 90 year old grandma always address cards to my family with “Dr and Mr Jones” and I love it. FWIW, my hubs is unbothered by it.
When I fill out forms that ask for “father’s name” but not mother’s name (common in Greece, my home country), I just write it in (i.e. “Mother’s name: …”)
Wearing heels. Yes I am 6’3-6’4 in heels, yes I am taller than you, no I won’t make myself smaller.
Standing my ground on public transit vs the manspreader, leaner, snorer. Yes I will hip-chuck, shoulder nudge, or clap my hands to wake you up.
When men look like they are agro at each other, going to fight, or ones standing up to another one etc, I say omg yall are the cutest couple, where did yall meet?
Mine lately has been “why is that the focus?” Any time a man tries to deflect when women are talking.
And the only way to avoid answering the question is going to be them ending the convo cuz there will be follow up if they give a non-answer.
I look men directly in the eyes if I catch them looking at me, fix my gaze, and refuse to look away – like everytime they they glance again they see me looking at them – until they physically respond in some way (like completely turning away, talking to someone next to them, looking at their phone etc)
One of mine has always been paying for a meal/event tickets occasionally on a date. I can tell a lot by the way the guy responds.
Never cleaning the kitchen at the office. It’s nobody’s job, which means it’s not my job.
Not sweeping the office every time because I’m the only woman out of 3 in the office. I will do it 1 out of 3 three times, though.
“If an 11 year old girl can handle having a period, you can handle hearing about it.”
I do enjoy asking folks to explain the sexist jokes they tell and watching them get so uncomfortable and disgusted with themselves they can’t finish.
I don’t wear makeup at all anymore which feels significant because I’m an attorney and often in court.
Mine would be training my kids to get and find things themselves. When they ask me for something I alway ask, are you looking with your mouth or with your eyes? That generally makes them take a better look and find the said item, vs defaulting to having mom find it.
At work, if I need to take a day off because my son is sick, I never apologize. I’m not mean about telling my boss I need off, but I no longer start sentences with “I’m sorry, but….”. My mom one, my son loves all things trucks/monster trucks. I make a point to get him ones that have more traditionally thought of girl colors. His favorite one has hot pink wheels, and a neon cheetah print on the body; it’s a baddie.
I draft all docs to be gender neutral & teach my daughter to say “person” rather than man or woman. Tiny things!
I am making my son help me with yard work next weekend, because it’s ridiculous that moms always have to do yard work, their husbands are perfectly capable of helping with that. This may have stemmed from a fight I had with a bunch of thorns last weekend.
I have intentionally started referring to my husband as my spouse without gendering him, husband carries too much patriarchal power in the work place.
Most creatures and things are “she” by default. Husband and I both do a lot of the chores. Repairs and stuff are done by whichever of us feels more comfortable. I’m great at fixing toilets and sinks while he’s my fridge guy. I don’t really when I make meals but she’s learning how. I tell her she can do almost anythings boys can do and if she’s bad at something, it’s probably not because she’s a girl. We also touch on non-cis people existing. She’s only 3, so….
Making mommy shark as big as daddy shark. (not directly applied to my job but, i still do it every time!).
A man told me how he was talking to his teenage sons about “a certain kind of girl.”
I inquired- you mean a woman who enjoys s*x? You do know women enjoy s*x, right?
You’re not getting away with sl*t shaming to me old man.
When I’m in the grocery check out and a man is encroaching in my space, I just turn to face them and dead eye stare till they back up.
